Supposed Sunday Interview

Think Russel Brand and you'll know exactly what I mean.


Claire Daniels: Claire Daniels here speaking for Cosmopolitan Magazine and I'm here with New York's own Christina Essenelle, and today we're getting the dish on her relationship with singer, songwriter, Julian Casablancas.
Christina Essenelle: Hey! So are we filming this or...?
CD: No we have someone typing this up.
CE: Really? Oh good cause usually I have to.
CD: Yeah I heard about that, yeah we have someone here to type it...
CE: [laughs] That's good.
CD: So Christina we talked to on the phone on Sunday and you said you had to reschedule, why's that?
CE: It was my friend's [Nick Valensi] birthday so I wanted to spend the entire day with him. 
CD: Alright well as you know Cosmopolitan listed you and Julian as one of their top ten celebrity couples to look forward to in 2011 how does-
CE: Wait seriously?
CD: Yes, you didn't know?
CE: No I had no idea! That's awesome...who else was on the list?
CD: Hey hey hey, I ask the questions here. [laughs]
CE: [laughs] Sorry!
CD: No worries, so you and Julian are one of the top 10 celebrities to look forward to in 2011, does that put pressure on your relationship?
CE: I don't think so, we actually don't really have anyone pressuring us to be together or to not be together, except for the gangs of NYC, I think they have a vendetta against us.
CD: That was really scary what happened, was that their intention? To kill you?
CE: Seemed like it with the way they stabbed me, but going back to relationships, the attack probably made our relationship stronger. 
CD: Well at least something positive came from it.
CE: [laughs] That's me, always looking on the bright side of things.
CD: Alright, let's get down to what the readers love; awkward, girly, personal questions.
CE: Oh I'm excited. 
CD: I have 10 mushy gushy Julian questions from fans all around the globe, you ready?
CE: I am...ready.
CD: Alright, number 1: Do you two have your own celebrity crushes, other than each other?
CE: Definitely, Julian is madly in love with Katy Perry and I'm in love with Joseph Gordon-Levitt. 
CD: Uh oh, Russel Brand look out.
CE: It's funny I was just listening to Russel Brand's comedy.
CD: He is certainly a funny man, so what's stopping you from dating Joseph Gordon-Levitt?
CE: He doesn't like me.
CD: What!
CE: [laughs] No I'm not sure about that, I've never met him and I'm dating Julian for gosh sakes! Next question.
CD: [laughs] Okay question number 2: What turns you on and what turns him on?
CE: I should've expected this from Cosmopolitan, um...honestly? For me it's gotta be boners. I know that sounds ridiculous but it's true, there's nothing more of a turn on them someone else showing you they're turned on. If that makes sense.
CD: I am the exact same way.
CE: Really?
CD: Yeah, my husband abuses that power all the time though.
CE: [laughs] Oh really! That's funny, we're already bonding Claire. 
CD: Indeed. And what turns Julian on?
CE: Now if I told you that everyone would be going around trying to steal my boyfriend...so no comment!
CD: Darn so close...alright question 3: [laughs] How big is Julian?
CE: Think Russel Brand. Next.
CD: [laughs] Massive then, number 4: What's your favorite guilty pleasure movie/show you two can watch together?
CE: Movie would be The Mask, I loved that movie as a kid I would go to my friend's houses and watch it everytime, and apparently Jules felt the same way. So when Jim Carrey hosted last week for SNL I was jumping for joy because he was my childhood icon. As for show it'd definitely be the Bad Girls Club, which I think he half watches just because he loves me...OR SO HE SAYS. [laughs]
CD: [laughs] The Bad Girls Club? Isn't that the show where they put a bunch of bitches together and see what happens?
CE: Basically. That or anything on the game show network, OH! Baggage. We love that show.
CD: Now that one I've seen, it's funny. Ever think one day you'll be on the game show network? Maybe some Celebrity Newlywed Game? [winks]
CE: I dunno...but Kristen and Fred [Wiig, Armisen] are auditioning for that soon. I hope they get on they're hilarious.
CD: That they are, alright question 5: What's your favorite sexual position?
CE: That implies that we have sex Claire.
CD: You two are sex-free then?
CE: I never said that.
CD: [pause] 6: Do you two role play?
CE: I don't understand that question.
CD: Oh, well sometimes in sex-
CE: No I completely understand it, next!
CD: [laughs] What's one thing about Julian you hate and one thing he hates about you?
CE: Oh God....Julian's too much of a perfectionist. If a song he's writing isn't perfect he'll get really worked up over it, I don't HATE that about him but it's something he could work on, as for me I'm sure he hates how completely man-friendly I am. 
CD: What do you mean by that?
CE: Well generally, I tend to hang out with guys more than girls, just because. No reason to it actually. And I'm sure that drives him up a wall. But I would never cheat on him on purpose.
CD: [laughs] Fair enough, 8: Do you have any fetish-s?
CE: I have a Julian Casablancas fetish.
CD: Clever. 
CE: [laughs] I try.
CD: Number 9: If Julian was going to cheat on you with any SNL member who would it be and if you were to cheat on Julian with any Strokes member who would it be?
CE: Damn this person thought long and hard about this question, so I must answer it, um he'd cheat on me with...do you mean like they have to have sex with them or kiss them or...?
CD: Whatever you define cheating as.
CE: Well I've obviously had to kiss other people in sketches and Julian kisses his bandmates all the time so...let's go with sex..but you see there are only 4 girl members of SNL...can't be Kristen cause she's married and she just wouldn't...not Nasim because she knows I would kill her...Abby or Vanessa...I'm gonna go with Abby because she's known him longer so...yeah, Strokes wise I'd pick....uh...not Albert because he's probably not in the mood...[laughs]...not Fab he's dating Binki....not Nikolai just because I don't think he likes me all that much...so that leaves Nick! Yup, Nick.
CD: And lastly: Any tips for young women out there reading this?
CE: When life hands you lemons, sell them. Make a profit, copyright your magic lemons from God, sell only 2 on eBay for millions for dollars, then make the lemons have sex with each other and produce the world's only unicorn, then ride it into the center of the Earth and discover the meaning of life...this is the advice I offer.